Sawyer is 2 months old! Good things and not so great things about my new job as a mama...

My baby is already two months old. It is so weird to now be dressing him in 3-6 month clothing (some of which he is already too big for!) and finding size newborn diapers in my bag and seeing how tiny his bum once was. Luckily my hormones have settled down, otherwise I would be tearing up at this thought (which sometimes happens anyway). 

While the time has flown by, it also somehow feels like it has been a really long time since we brought him home from the hospital and life changed forever. Not in a bad way or anything. It's just that so much has happened in such a small amount of time. I guess just having a baby makes the time go by slower for me and memories of the early tiny newborn days are already fading which makes it feel like it was a while ago. 

I am still trying to get the hang of things but I have figured a lot of it out. Of course, when I think this, that is right when he changes things up and the guessing game begins again. Every day is a guessing game. That is one thing about my new job as a mother that I don't love. Unlike the jobs I have had in the past, I feel that I can't really "refine" my skills as a mom. Although I am most certainly better at it than I was in the first weeks with him, I still feel like I can't really progress and actually become good at it. That drives me crazy. Once I think I understand an aspect of this baby thing, suddenly things change and I once again have no clue! I never realized that I have a need to perfect my skills until this experience.

Things have gotten a lot better though from the first 6 weeks of his life. I was really struggling with breastfeeding and had to give it up despite giving it my absolute best effort, not to mention baby blues. Since then, life is happier. A lot of things didn't go as planned and I have found that I need to be more prepared for the alternatives because so far, things tend to go differently than what's expected. I planned on carrying him pretty late as that is how it is for a lot of my family. He ended up coming 3 days early and Cody had to go back to work waaay earlier than I wanted because of this. I planned to have a normal birth and wanted to avoid a C-section as much as I could. And what happened? Sawyer was breech and a C-section it was. Then I was SO TOTALLY going to breastfeed for 1 year, and now I am shelling out the big bucks for formula. Ha, yeah, plans are pretty useless.

The biggest challenge I am facing right now is... can you guess it? Sleep! This is one of those things that just keeps changing on me. Sawyer is SO TOUGH when it comes to falling asleep. It seems like every time he gets tired, I have to go through this whole ordeal that takes SO LONG to just get him to settle down and stop fussing and let sleep come. It's like wrestling an alligator. An alligator that screams. He used to fall asleep easily and now it's a bit of a nightmare and I am not sure what to do. Sorry for seeming so negative! I am just in the thick of things I guess and so that is all I can think about.

 Sawyer was waking up twice in the middle of the night for feedings, then he dropped one of those feeds and I was getting pretty used to only waking up once. Well then he went back to two! That was so frustrating. Then after a while, when I thought I couldn't take anymore sleep deprivation, he started sleeping through the night for about 6 or 7 hours. That was amazing, for about a week. The night I announced my triumphant success to Facebook was the night he woke up at 3am and has been ever since. Babies really keep you on your toes. And as my sister says, babies are not robots. As obvious as that is, I often have to remind myself of it when I wonder why he isn't sleeping through the night the way a book says he should, or whatever the case may be. I can't "program" him the way I might like. I can try my best with sleep-training through structured schedules, but I can't be too surprised when he suddenly takes a step or two backwards, because he's not a robot, and that is just how babies are.

So to sum up, life pretty much revolves around sleep. When did he go down? How long did he sleep? When can I sleep and for how long? Most of the time I am so tired and unsure of when he will wake up that sleep just won't happen. And if I do get a chance to sleep for more than 2 or 3 hours, I wake up thinking I hear him on the monitor, when really he is fast asleep and I am hearing it in my head, and now I am wide awake for no reason. My body has gotten so used to not sleeping for significant chunks of time that it won't let it happen when I have the chance. I know I am a chronic worrier, but is it normal at this point to still jump every time the monitor makes a noise? Or am I really just that high strung? Ugh. If only I could just be that "chill mom" I wanted to be. But I guess I can't be too hard on myself. I have been sleep deprived for a while and in my mind, that is a pretty good reason for my stomach to lurch a little when I see him waking up early. Which happens a lot now. Help me. Haha.

Okay on to the good things. Sawyer has been intentionally smiling for over a month now, and has recently started to "talk" to us. My favorite parts of the day are when we finish feeding him, and I sit him facing me, and he makes so many cute little sounds and smiles at me and I smile and talk back and we take turns like that for a while. It is awesome. I just can't wait to hear that first little giggle. I also love to go get him out of his crib because he usually will look up at me and be so happy! He is also much happier than he was in the first month. I don't know if its normal or not, but he was pretty fussy for the first month of life. If he wasn't eating or sleeping, he was crying. Maybe it's because I have things down a little better and I know sort of what he wants, but he is a pretty happy fellow most of the time now (except for sleep time), and that is such a relief. It is also really cool to see him developing. Just simple things like when I see him looking at his hand or foot for the first time. I can see him putting things together in his head and it is awesome to watch.

With every day that goes by, I love this baby more and more. He is my little buddy. Even though this mothering thing is tough business, the good moments make it worth it. It's pretty cool that I get to hang out with such a cute dude all day.

Bits and Pieces - My Bedroom

This is my bedroom. I wish I spent more time in here, because that would mean I got more sleep. But you know... babies. Pshh.

This is basically the prettiest my bedroom has ever looked. At all of our other places the room just didn't quite look that great. This bedroom is something I am proud of. It's grown up. I feel like it definitely has some feminine touches to it but is masculine enough to not make my husband feel out of place. Mostly because of the GIANT furniture pieces he made. When Cody makes something, I always have to prepare myself for it to be bigger than expected. And yet every time a furniture piece is revealed, I am taken aback. I mean, look at that bed! I couldn't even fit it all into one photo. I have hurt myself multiple times trying to climb down from that thing. Cody makes me the prettiest things.

This is the armoire that Cody made for us. We were lucky that we were able to fit these things in this room.

I keep my jewelry over here in a jewelry box that was my grandmas, and on a vintage tiered plate I bought for my wedding reception. Next to it sits a little vintage owl music box.

On this wall hangs my necklaces on a jewelry hanger that Cody got me for my last birthday.

These side tables are temporary. Cody will eventually make matching ones for us.

This is the book hook that he made for me. These posts are pretty much just a bunch of stuff that Cody made, aren't they? Well, he is quite the carpenter.

As with most of the rooms in the house, this one isn't quite finished. For the past year I have been working on art pieces for what I call the "Love Wall." Basically one of the walls in our room will be dedicated to a collection of art and quotes and such that will be clustered together to form an ode to marriage and love. I have all the pieces done, but 2 of them still need glass for the frames (Cody made frames for a couple of them) and since we had a baby, I can't justify going to buy the glass. He also needs to cut some wood to fit a vinyl quote on it and that just isn't going to happen anytime soon since we moved and all.

Someday though, the love wall will exist, I tell you! And I will document it here.

Bits and Pieces - The Guest Room

This is my cute and cozy little guest room. We put a chocolate brown accent wall in here as well because I wanted the blue side tables to really pop against the dark background. The guest room in the old house was my favorite room, but I like this one even more. When I walk past it I want to take a nap in there because it looks so comfy, so hopefully my guests feel the same. Apparently my cat, Assassin sure does.

I made these dream catchers out of antique lace doilies. I took thick gauge craft wire used for wreathes, bent them into a circle the size of the doily, and then wrapped them in leather string, hot gluing as I went. That was the hardest part. Then I just found bits of lace and feathers and strung beads and tied them on.

Bits and Pieces - My Living Room

The living room is where we spend most of our time. It's where we feed and play with Sawyer, watch movies and TV, and generally just hang out. I like the look and feel of our new living room more than the old one. The old one was pretty dated despite our efforts, and we couldn't do very much to change it as renters. I really feel like the new one is more us and feels a lot cozier. But the new place doesn't have random built in shelving, and this makes me really worry about the holidays. Where the heck am I going to put my halloweeny witchy stuff, and my Christmas nutcrackers and snowmen!? Conundrum. Questions like these keep me up at night.

Anyway, here is our entryway. We painted all the walls in here a sandy beige type color, except this wall. This is our chocolate brown accent wall. When we get our family photos done, they will go to the left of the chalkboard, in the same type of display is the old one.

I begged Cody to let us get this buffet table to go under our new TV. It has been sitting in a box (just like the  new TV) at our old place for months. When we moved, I was so excited to get these out of their boxes. It was like Christmas!

My beloved peacock chair.

I put this shelf display together when I was about 37 weeks pregnant. Climbing up on a ladder as a fat pumpkin person is pretty interesting. But decorations must go up, no matter the conditions!

Not a great photo of it, but Cody made the coffee table. Cody also made this floating shelf for me last Christmas. He made the frame on the right for our first Christmas as a married couple for me to fill with a photo of the temple. I wanted to get a photo of the Salt Lake temple, where we were married and sealed. I didn't get around to taking a photo until last fall, and I didn't edit and print it until last winter! Finally it is done and hanging up in our family room.

Bits and Pieces - My crafty craft area

The craft area of my house looks a little chaotic, but it is controlled chaos. I have everything I need in this space for sewing, painting, scrapbooking, making jewelry, and a heck of a lot of hot gluing, and most of it is fairly organized. Cody made the necklace hanger that hangs above my desk where I keep my Moxie Owl necklaces. A shelf above that holds jars with the jewelry making supplies as well as some stuffed animals that my sister Aimee and I made.

To the left of my desk are some shelves from ikea where I keep a lot of my sewing supplies like fabric and stuffing, painting supplies, and a lot of random parts from un-finished projects.

To the right is the cabinet that Cody made me to hold my camera and scrapbooking stuff and books. Oh yeah, and robot heads. Gotta have the robot heads.

This cabinet is basically just for our record albums which consists of a lot of classic rock like Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin and The Doors (from Cody's collection) and random Rogers and Hammerstein and Disney and Carpenters Christmas music (from my collection). Ironically, I prefer the classic rock and Cody is partial to the Sound of Music album. (Ha!) Oh, this cabinet also displays our goat skull. Cody's mom brought it home after exploring the desert wilderness and there it sits. Oh yeah, and there is my guitar to the right! Cody painted it, stenciled some flowers and OUR FACES on it, and gave it to me for... I'm going to say birthday number 21. Maybe 20. Anyway, a birthday. And it is pretty kick-ass, no?

I made the wall hanging below out of felt and free hand stitching. It is punny. Bare, Bear, GET IT?! Oh, man.

Bits and Pieces - My House

I have pretty much finished {most} of my house. I love being able to do what I want to it and make it my own. Here are some of the details of my kitchen and dining area.

One of the things I really wanted to do was to have one of the cabinets be open with no doors. This way I can be creative and show some of my favorite dishes off instead of hiding them away.

In my old kitchen I had kind of an owl theme going on so I kept this as the general kitchen theme at my new place as well.

I got these owl salt and pepper shakers from a local antique shop and the owl below is a little vintage planter thing I found on Etsy.

My life involves a lot of washing bottles nowadays. This bottle drying rack is awesome. It is made by boon and I got it at Target.

I saw the idea of taking wooden spoons and utensils and painting them to make them look like they have been dipped in color. I found the utensils at Ikea and Target and then just mixed acrylic paint until I found colors that I liked. I taped off the handles with painters tape and painted them with a brush. You can't really tell in this photo, but I made a few of them "ombre." The green one starts out dark green at the top and fades to a lighter green. I seriously love how this little shelf area turned out. Oh, and the flower salt and pepper shakers below are also from an antique store.

In this new house we have very little storage space, so I spent a lot of time thinking of ways to really utilize the space. I got railings from ikea with little hooks to keep kitchen supplies on. Then it turned out that the one and only thing we have more of in this house is kitchen cabinets. But I still like how these look on the wall, especially since they match the "orange and blue" colors I have throughout the area.

A place for my aprons. One of them is vintgage and the one that is blue and red was made my Lindy, my cousin-in-law. She's super crafty.

And finally, my kitchen table.

My long awaited laundry room

So remember how I was all excited for my laundry room plans when we moved? Today I finally put the finishing touches on it and it is done. I LOVE it. It's weird how much I love a room meant for chores, but I do.

Check it out!

The color scheme of orange and blue that seems to be carried through most of the house is what I went with in the laundry room as well. How awesome is the orange pocket door?! Thank you, Cody. :)

It is so much more organized than my old laundry space. Cody attached small canning jars to the bottom of a shelf to hold hardware such as nails and screws. I got large jars for detergent and other cleaning supplies and labeled them with chalk board label stickers.

I wanted a place for tools that we use inside the house, so this shelf is dedicated to tools and the like.

I used a railing from Ikea to hang my cleaning supplies on. I seriously love this feature. It is so much easier to find stuff this way. Ah! I love my laundry room!

I'm still alive

Hello!

I am still alive. I have found that doing anything like blogging is really hard to get around to. I do plan to continue blogging but I still haven't quite got the hang of doing much other than feeding, changing, and soothing baby to sleep. Ooh, the elusive sleep. But someday I will hopefully to update this thing on the regular.

So life is different now, obviously. I'm tired and still adjusting to the shock of this new lifestyle. Being a mama is both beautiful and not so beautiful. And I was definitely right about the poop. There is a lot of poop. And pee. More pee than I expected, if I'm being honest. I have been peed on more than I care to admit.

At first things were pretty scary. I have no idea what I am doing and sleep deprivation really got to me. I dealt with "baby blues" which consisted of the highest of highs where I felt such intense love for this little human, and super low lows as well. But now that most of the hormones have worn off and I have gotten over the initial shock of things, I feel like I am getting the hang of it (sort of) and starting to catch my breath (kind of).

Sawyer's birth went differently than planned. Monday I worked my last day at the office, and the next day, 3 days before I was due, I got my membranes swept. I didn't feel much different afterwords and did not expect anything to happen, but that night I started to have the usual  nightly contractions. I felt the need to clean the house as much as I could that night. I mopped and vacuumed and then went to bed pretty late. I was laying in bed, scanning through Facebook, when all of a sudden at 2 am I felt a big pop as if Sawyer kicked me and a huge waterfall suddenly came out of me. I exclaimed to Cody that my water just broke. He was asleep and when he heard me he jumped up and started putting his pants on, still half asleep. It was adorable. I told him to hang on and get me a towel. Seriously, it was a never-ending gush of water and I couldn't move or even more would come out!

Since I wasn't having very strong contractions yet, I didn't want to go to the hospital and not be very far along. I planned to labor as much as I could at home. So I told Cody to go back to sleep and for the rest of the night I did have some contractions, but they never got very bad. We went to labor and delivery the next morning. They checked me and I was at a 5. I was pretty excited about this. And hour later they checked me again and I was a 6. But the nurse seemed a little confused and said that she didn't feel his head anymore. They did an ultrasound and though Sawyer had been head down for weeks and weeks, he decided to flip when it was go time. Since my water had broke, they couldn't attempt to flip him. The doctor said I would have to get a C-section and that we would be parents within the hour. Ah! I had expected to be laboring for quite a bit longer, so this was a scary shock!

The worst part of the surgery was getting the epidural. I was expecting to get one at a point where it would be a sweet relief. But since I wasn't in much pain, it was super uncomfortable and painful, and seemed to take forever.

The rest was like a dream. I felt a little disconnected and weird. Cody sat by me and held my hand while they worked on getting our baby out. Sawyer was pulled out and I didn't get to see him for a while. I wanted to see what he looked like SO BAD! He needed help breathing at first and they took him out into the hall to get him going. Cody followed and watched him get cleaned up. I heard them exclaiming how big he was. One of the nurses guessed 9 pounds. A few minutes later they said he was 10 lbs 6 oz! I suddenly felt a little better about not pushing him out of my vagina. Then Cody brought him to me. I kissed Sawyer and tears rolled down my face. I wanted to hold him!

We went back to our room and they found out that since he was so big, he had low blood sugar. Because they couldn't get him to eat, they had to take him to the NICU where they were going to have to give him a feeding tube. Before they did that though, they tried feeding him again and he sucked down a whole bottle.

We were only there for 2 days and the recovery went really easy. The first week at home was pretty blissful, even though the nights weren't that much fun. I was just so happy to have this beautiful little family. It was like  heaven.

Cody stayed home from work for a week and helped out so much. One of my favorite parts of becoming a mama is watching Cody take so naturally to being a papa. He is an amazing daddy and jumped right in with no fear.

My thoughts at 39 weeks

 

Me, this morning, at 39 weeks pregnant.

I can't believe it. It is the last day of May 2013. In my brain, it's still about February and I still have months to go before I have to worry about pushing a little human out of my body and becoming a mother to him. In reality, next week is my due date and things are moving at light speed.

This is one of my last weeks where I am just me, a 25 year old girl who still feels to be about 18 and certainly does not act like an adult. I'm aware that I am actually a pretty helpless person. I have a lot of learning and growing to do. Honestly, I can barely even make mac and cheese by myself. Yes, things are certainly about to change, whether I am ready or not. I will be completely responsible for another life. A little soul that God has trusted us with. A little person that I know I will obsess over and worry about every day for the rest of my life. Our world is about to make a major shift. A shift that I am most definitely excited about, but there's so much unknown. I really don't know much about babies. All I have to go off of is just what I have been told. A lot of which sounds terrifying. "But so worth it." Right? That is the summary of what people say. It is SO HARD but so worth it. The so hard part is frightening. The so worth it part is why we got ourselves into this situation.

Someone told Cody that babies seem really fragile, but are actually easier to keep alive than fish. I sure hope so, because I have gone through a lot of pet fish in my lifetime. I know I will be ok. I know he will be ok. We will get through the tough parts. I'm pretty sure of this. I am known for my exceptional ability to worry like none other, so that is just how it is going to be. But I will try my best to relax and breath and be a chill mom as much as I can be. That is one of my goals, anyway.

So here is where I am right now, at 39 weeks pregnant: I am standing at the edge of the diving board, looking into a deep pool. I can't see the bottom. I can't turn around and climb down. The only way off is to jump. What will I find? From what I hear, probably a lot of poop. Literal poop. Exploding poop. And throw up. And crying, screaming babies. And sore boobies. And many, many sleepless nights and days filled with fatigue, and maybe even counting down the seconds until Cody gets home from work. This is the kind of thing you always hear about at this pool.

But I am going to jump. And through the poop, I am going to find soft baby cheeks, and tiny saggy baby bums, and chubby leg rolls, and little adorable lips that I will kiss so much. And giggles and cuddles and so many hugs and loves.

And it will be awesome. 

And then, I will make sure that my baby grows up to not be so helpless, and by golly, he will know how to make mac n cheese!

Bumpday Bumpdate - Week 38

This week I am 38 weeks along and feeling it. It's not so bad yet. I haven't had very many Braxton Hicks, except last night they got a little painful for a while. But I can see how pregnant ladies who do have those false labor pains on a regular basis could get sick of this pretty fast.

The #1 thing I hear from people at this point are things like "About ready to pop, huh?" or "I bet you are so ready to be done." Up until last weekend, the answer was "Heck no! The baby can stay in there, I am not ready!!!" Now that I have really gotten somewhere with the nursery and packed some of my hospital bag, I am definitely more open to the baby coming now, but I am still in no hurry. Life will be changing forever, and I still have a lot to do to prepare. But I have washed and put away all of the laundry for baby, we have the crib and bedding done, and it is really coming together in there and looking like a real live nursery.

Today Cody will be starting to work on picture frames for some of the art I found for the nursery, as well as a painting my mom did. Hopefully he will be building some wall book shelves for all of the books I have for the Soy Bean as well. I can't wait to read to him!

In moving news, the house is getting a lot better. I have tons and tons of boxes unpacked and put away, and guess what? The A/C has decided to start working. The unit outside makes a really loud noise that sounds like what can only be described as Bigfoot yawning. It freaks me out every time, and I am pretty sure that sound isn't supposed to happen, but as of now, it is working, and that is heaven. I can't even tell you how much better my perspective on life is when my house is a normal temperature. I love my house a lot more now.

When I am on my way home, I still sort of have this longing feeling for the other house, because we were there for quite a while and it did become "home" to us, plus my grandparents lived there and that was somehow comforting to me, despite the perpetual old person smell. Now I pass that house, and go to a new one that is not "home" quite yet. It feels weird. Someday though, I will feel more comfortable in the new house and it will become home for my little family and me. For now, I just jump at every night time sound that happens, and freak out a little if my lulu dog barks. I have a hard time adjusting to new houses! Especially because I am alone at night every other week. It took me about a year with the last house to feel okay, and even after that I would go through periods of time where I was sure (and STILL am) that a ghosty presence was messing with me. At this house, so far what I worry about are doors getting left unlocked and intruders coming in, or wanderers in my back yard, watching me unpack at night because I feel like someone is looking at me. And also fires happening. I am really paranoid about that lately. It's not like this house has been inspected and who knows if there is something waiting to explode? I am a worrier.

Here are my weekly stats!

How far along: 38 Weeks

Size of baby: 20-ish inches and pumpkin sized.

Gender: Boy!

Maternity Clothes: Pretty much just wearing long dresses most of the time. Today though, I am wearing one of my sisters hand-me-downs that I forgot about until I found it the other day. I wish I had worn it sooner! It is really cute and work appropriate. All I can wear on my feet are flip flops as they are constantly swollen.

Stretch Marks: Still getting more!

Sleep: The original restless insomnia flavor, now with contractions!

Cravings: Watermelon.

Looking forward to: Still really really wanting work to be done. Especially when I wake up feeling zombified in the morning from crappy sleep. I never thought I would be the person who works up until 4 days before my due date and I think that ideally, last week should have been my last. But I get to spend more time with work friends, and thats what is keeping me going! Along with paychecks, of course.

What I miss: Moving and bending without wimpering in pain and losing my breath.

Symptoms: Some recognizable, painful contractions. As of yesterday, I am 2 centimeters dilated and about 60% effaced. The doctor wants to sweep my membranes next week, but I know that Cody and I are not ready for that to happen if it actually worked. We are really trying to work this birth around Cody's schedule and it's a lot of pressure!

Worst moment this week: Probably the night that I unpacked and put away so much crap that my body rebelled against me and I was in TONS of PAIN all night.

Best moment this week: Seeing things like the living room, kitchen, bathroom, guest room and most of all the nursery actually look like livable, pretty spaces. It is a huge relief to have the important nursery stuff done.

Shopping for Baby

Last month I finally got to start shopping for my baby. Cody wanted to wait until we had enough money to just put it all in its own baby-dedicated account, and then let me spend it on what we needed. It was really hard to wait, but finally buying everything was pretty fun.

Here are a few of the items I got for the bebe:

Bear clock. The one I got is orange, though.

 

Cowboys and Indians Wall Decal.

  

Baby closet dividers. They are from newborn all the way up to 24 months. I like organization kind of a lot lately and these are helping a lot.

An orange humidifier.

Some cute "burpy bibs" by Aden + Anais. They double as burp clothes and bibs and from what I hear are awesome.

 

And a Boon diaper Changing Station. I love Boon stuff.

The rest of the stuff I got is practical and boring but pretty exciting to me. I also finally convinced Cody that he was not going to have time to build a crib anytime soon and I was able to fit one from Wal-Mart into my budget, which I am pretty proud of. Go me. It is small (for the tiny nursery space) and modern and I love it.

A lot of the stuff that I ended up getting is pretty modern-styled, as you can see. In the beginning, the nursery was to be very rustic and vintage, and there will still be a lot of those elements in the decor. Hopefully I am right, and the two different styles will mesh well together.

 I also got lots of baby books and some Baby Einstein DVD's. We are also blessed enough to have received a lot of good gifts and hand-me-downs that are pretty much saving me right now. I can't wait to use all this stuff with my new little guy!