Friday, January 18, 2013

20 Weeks - Halfway mark yeah!

Today I am 20 weeks, woohoo! I am halfway there and I can't believe it! Sometimes June seems like it is coming too fast and sometimes I can't wait to get there. But mostly I realize that I am definitely not ready for it to be June. Not quite yet, anyway. I don't think I am mentally prepared for that responsibility and change. For now I am quite content with this stage in my life. I haven't been sick for a few days, and I am actually enjoying being pregnant (who woulda thought?).

Here I am working my favorite accessory, my baby bump.

My 20 week bump:

20 weeks 1

I really like where I am right now. I like having a baby in my belly. And maybe, just maybe I have been feeling some movement in there the past couple of nights. Every once in a while I find myself telling Cody that he should be the one getting pregnant next time. You have a turn, Dear. But no matter how miserable I am when I say that, I always find myself taking it right back. Even though there are so many things that are just SO HARD and painful about the process of growing a baby, and then having a baby, and then recovering from that process, I wouldn't ever want to give that up to the men. This is a blessing. I get to carry a tiny baby and feel it moving inside of me and have a connection with that child that the father doesn't have. It is truly amazing and beautiful.

Sometimes I realize the reality that I am going to be popping out a baby soon and I wonder if God knows just who he is giving a baby to. Does he really think I can handle this? That's pretty flattering.

There are times when I think I can be the best mom ever. But other times, when I feel sick and can't imagine having to get up and take care of a crying baby, I wonder. Or just simple things like making food. Everyday. For a little kid. Like, in the early morning time, people. That is going to be my life and that is pretty bizarre to me.

And then I see things on Pinterest or Facebook where moms spend time creating sensory games for their toddlers like glow-stick fishing in the bathtub, or using a recipe to make doll hair soft again. Do people really do this? Am I supposed to want to do this? Maybe it is because my mom never spent time on stuff like that. And though I did not have activities like this set up for me as a child, my childhood was freakin' amazing if I do say so myself.

But would I have been happier if my mom tried her best to make my doll's hair new again? I don't think so. I mean, tangled doll hair is certainly bothersome and I would have appreciated her taking interest in such things, but I think my mother showed me that she loved me in different ways. She strapped me to the back of her bike and rode. She took me to the canyon on her back and showed me the gorgeous mountains and rivers. She woke me up to show me the creatures of the night and to go star gazing. I may have not have had "DIY slime" to develop my sensory and motor skills, but I sure appreciate the beauty of my childhood and what my mom did to make it the best ever.

I am hoping that I will suddenly have an interest in putting together activities to entertain my children, but I really don't see myself doing that stuff. I think I will find my own way of developing their minds and entertaining them. Props to the moms who do stuff like this, seriously. You ladies are awesome and so creative! It's just not my thing, personally. Not for now, anyway.

It's not like I don't want to play with my kids and spend time with them, of course I do! I have been looking forward to being a mother since I can remember. I have always planned on being a stay at home mom and I know that this is what I was made for. I do! I know this. I know I was sent here to be a really great mom and raise kids. And I love thinking up things I want to do with them, going on adventures, going to the park, feeding ducks, showing them the world and all the beauty in it. And doing stuff at home like crafts and whatnot. I have always planned on this. But I am hoping that just because I don't care to put toddler olympics together in my house, this doesn't make me a bad mom.

Oh no. Guilt of being a bad mother is already setting in! I am in trouble.

Anyway, I know Heavenly Father is sending this baby to me. Specifically me, because I am the mama they need, and they are the children I need. The End.

No comments: